Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

My Huffy Didn't Have the Vibrate Feature

Strange day yesterday.

Had a surreal luncheon at work. Nine women sitting together eating tacos--we regressed into slumberparty territory very quickly. Seriously, we were about ten minutes from freezing each other's underwear and making crank calls.

We started off slowly. We talked about movies and television. But I knew it was going to get ugly quickly--last time we had a luncheon the talk ended with butt plugs and softcore porn.

Sure enough, a few minutes later Heather lets us all have it with a story about a friend hers. This girl had her first orgasm at the age of ten. On a huffy bicycle. Apparently she was riding along, minding her own business, on this bicycle with a banana seat and BOOM.

The terrible part is through the whole thing all I could think is I had one of those bicycles with the banana seat. Never once did I have an orgasm. Huffy owes me a refund.

My evil twin Monica, once again reads my mind and says, "I had one of those bikes." She leaves out the second part but I know its there.

The conversation progresses to our boss, Dallas, saying "My kids are pillow humpers." Maybe they should hook up with unclebob??

Not for the first time I was thankful that the company security cameras don't have sound, because when you get down to it you just had nine women sitting together talking about pre-adolescent masturbation. I don't think the company is ready for that.

Last night was a big game for my softball team, Beer Factor. We were in the playoffs and laying a team we had an altercation with earlier this season. We had kicked their asses twice and their jerkoff of a left fielder had called our third baseman a bitch. She didn't hear him but enough of us did that it has caused some issues. So Striped Socks Boy (the left fielder) paid last night as our team hit several into left field that he was forced to let drop and we won 9-6. Don't worry, the husband and I played well. J-germeister pitched half the game and had two RBI's. I even got a hit! Go ANYA! We play next week for the championship.

The real excitement of the game for me game in the dugout. Our shortstop Anthony was raging because one of the girls had made a baserunning error. I have played on this team for three years and we have had problems keeping girls on the team because the guys are mean when they make mistakes. And Amy NEVER makes errors--she plays better than most of the men. But she made an error last night, it happens to everyone. The game is supposed to be fun. But Anthony is in the dugout, ranting and raving like a little bitch. He didn't take it too well when I told him to shut the fuck up or I would shut him up myself. I probably have three inches and twenty pounds on the guy so I felt pretty comfortable that I could do it. That and my husband is enough of a fighter that he can always can be counted on to back up my mouth.

Little tip for all you men out there: if there is a woman who is bigger than you sitting right there (I don't care how quiet she is around you) don't call her friend a stupid little bitch. Because she will say something to make you pay for it. So Anthony doesn't like me anymore. Forgive me if I don't break a sweat begging for his forgiveness.

Its my day off today. I only work Monday through Thursday. I work LONG hours those days to make up for it but I do love my Fridays off. My plans are to eat somthing bad for me for lunch, play with my dogs and shop with my mother.

I know, try to control your excitement.

On a side note, I had a strange dream last night. I was in a bar with Liza Minelli, David Copperfield, Al Gore and Mother Teresa. We drank martinis and sang show tunes. I will let you fill in the rest.

11:41 a.m. :: comment ::
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