Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

If You Can't Trust Mama

My mother is on my shit list.

She is a pack rat. Our whole family is. The biggest fight we have ever had was when I helped her clean out her old files (she is a teacher) and I insisted on throwing out a geometry test for a student she had in 1971. Mom, if she wants to protest her grade, tell her to call me!

My mom comes by this honestly. Her father once had twenty-three bedroom sets in his basement. He still has the drapes from a house they moved out of twenty years ago (they don't fit any windows in the house they are in now) because "they are still good!"

But I am trying to prevent my mother from turning into that. Because when she dies I will have to clean out her house. And I would like that to take less than seventeen years.

She also lost a lot of weight in the past year. She has lost over sixty pounds. And when you are 5'5" like my mother that makes you look a lot foxier. She isn't Goldie Hawn yet, but she isn't as far as she used to be. Now, if I lost sixty pounds I would be most excited about the new clothes I was going to buy. But my mom cries when she has to give away her old stuff, even things that were ugly and awful to begin with.

Now she had this UGLY faux fur coat. Actually it is below faux fur, its too awful to be considered faux fur. It looks like a rotting Chia Pet. I have hated it for my entire life. When my mom gained weight she kept wearing it. Long after it stopped buttoning. Long after it even looked like it would fit her. She was very excited when it fit her again. I have done everything to get her to get rid of this coat. I used to work for a coat buyer and I got one of my vendors to send her a cashmere blend coat. My father bought her a full length coat that was gorgeous on her. Finally, when she lost enough weight that the awful faux fur was too large she told me she had donated it to Goodwill.

I found it when we went to help them pull out their carpet today.

My mom fucking lied to me. And then she had about seven stories to explain why she still had it. First, she denied ever telling me that she gave it away. Then she said she thought she had. Then she went with, "I am confused! Don't yell at me!"

Just for that Mom, the faux fur coat AND that damn leather trench coat that makes you look like a guest star on Starsky and Hutch (and not in a good way) are both going.

And this time I will check.

Don't test me.

8:26 p.m. :: comment ::
prev :: next