Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

Do Babies Really Bounce?

I hate birth control pills.

Let me re-phrase that. I fucking HATE the goddamn motherfucking birth control pills!

They are so counterproductive. They make you so fat and moody that no one will want to have sex with you anyways. PMS and chocolate work the same way.

I used to use Depo-Provera. For the uninitiated, Depo-Provera is a shot that you get every three months to prevent pregnancy. In my case, it was HEAVEN. I didn't have a period, didn't get pregnant, only felt weird for about a day after getting it (REALLY aggressive, not sure how that works) and only gained about five pounds over three years. Of course, towards the end I was hopelessly addicted to it, and it made me crazy enough that my husband BEGGED me to go off of it. Even if it meant wearing condoms. And man, that is saying something.

For long and complicated reasons I will not get into here I now take the pill. Hate the pill. It doesn't make me feel that bad anymore now that I am used to the hormones. But I just fucking hate it!

We need a male hormone birth control. Something you could be sure they were taking. Birth control beer would work. Or corn chips. Because I hate condoms more than I hate the pill. Now I know everyone should wear condoms and I support that. Except I am married--and one of the best things about married sex is that you don't have to use the damn things anymore. They smell, they irritate the skin and they are just awful. My husband will just have to deal with me gaining the pill-pounds. Of course my ice cream and macaroni and cheese habit might have something to do with those.

Even the pill is better than a baby. I am sure that many people would argue with me and that is fine. But I do not want one right now. Possibly ever. I will probably change my mind.

For some reason if you are in your mid-twenties and married a couple of years people expect you to be pregnant. I had a migraine a couple of weeks ago and kept throwing up and four women at my work HOUNDED me that I must be pregnant. I assured them repeatedly that I wasn't only to be figuratively patted on the head and told, "well you aren't getting any younger."


My grandparents are also in on this crusade. My parents waited until they were thirty to have children (and had be married almost ten years) so they are forced to be patient or appear hypocrits. But since my older sister is not married--and continues to scare away dates with reckless abandon--all eyes have turned towards me. All my grandparents are in their eighties. They want great-grandchildren and they want them NOW.

This became extremely obvious when J-germeister and I accompanied my parents to our homeland, Iowa. Now I admit people in Iowa get married younger than people do in Seattle. And in my family in particular it is not unusual to have been a married a couple of times (with kids) before you are twenty-five. This is also normal in J's family--but they are just white trash. All of my grandparents' brothers and sisters (when you add them up there are 37 all together) have great-grandchildren. The pressure was high. My mother's parents have one great-grandchild. But its my cousin Bliss' son, who they adore. But they don't really like Bliss so they want more. And didn't hesitate that it was my duty to provide them.

My father's father was less subtle. He is a woodworker and makes incredible furniture and toys. One of his specialities are these incredible rocking horses. They sell at their church bizarres for around two thousand bucks. That is some big money in Waterloo, Iowa. He offered to make me one and I was thrilled--because I hord the stuff my grandpa makes like you wouldn't believe. He then mentioned that he wouldn't start it until I announced I was pregnant. Well, I guess I won't be getting one of those for my kids then--by the time I am pregnant my grandpa probably won't be able to make them anymore.

I am still amazed that people think its ok to say the things that they do. We were called selfish, we were called immature. I thought the hilarious part was that they would want selfish and immature people to have more selfish and immature little babies. But maybe that is just me.

Maybe I should be grateful it wasn't worse. My dad told me that when he and my mother were almost at their eighth anniversary with still no baby (though they were trying at this point but weren't going to tell anyone until she was pregnant) my grandfather offered to "show you how its done since you obviously don't know what you are doing." Classy. I definitely want to perpetuate that gene pool.

J's family, however, has procreated like rabbits. He has several cousins his age and they almost all have three or more children. Often with different parents and usually withouth being married. They just don't understand why he doesn't too. The crazy part is that his mother has started complaining about wanting grandchildren. Now my parents are 56 and 55. That is a grandparent age. His mother is 44. She doesn't need to be whining about not living to see her grandchildren grow up.

I really don't want a baby at this point. I have two dogs and a husband. That is more than enough for me.

I would much rather have a Tivo anyway.

9:49 a.m. :: comment ::
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