Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

I Dirty Dog Dare You

2003-08-06
I am starting to worry about the mental health of my dogs. I have two dogs, Darla and Buster. Darla is a chocolate longhaired dachshund and Buster is a black pug. In the time that we have had them, they have become a pack. They eat together, sleep together, play together and bicker like good brothers and sisters should. Buster repeatedly tries to sit on Darla’s head and I have seen her force him to eat her own shit. All of this strikes me as normal and loving behavior.

What I cannot handle is when they make out. They will get on my bed and open their mouths (ok Darla opens hers, if you have ever seen a pug their faces are way too screwed up to open very far) and try to stick their heads in each other’s mouths. Then they roll around licking each other and moaning. MLH tries to tell me it’s a game and they are fighting. But it’s sexual and it’s freaking me out.

Last night Darla was humping Buster and moaning (I am sorry its not barking its moaning—she sounds like a long four legged porn star) and no matter how many times I said, “Darla it upsets Mama when you molest your brother,” or “Please stop, incest is illegal in Washington, “ or even screamed, “STOP IT you sick little freaks!!!!” they just kept making out like little teenaged drunks on prom night.

They have both been fixed, so fortunately we are not expecting the strangest looking puppies ever. But still. Its weird. Even weirder is when Buster rubs his little doggy boner on my arm. Buster loves our friend Keith so much that whenever Keith comes over he gets a little boner and waves it in his face. Oddly, Keith doesn’t come over that much.

I understand that the wrestling and the humping are dominance behaviors. I also understand that until the issue of who is in charge is settled they will continue to do it—and honestly probably after that. But seriously, I am going to need therapy if these dogs don’t quit it.

Of course it doesn’t help that I always imagine Buster with Barry White’s voice, holding a cigar and wearing a smoking jacket ala’ Hugh Hefner. I just channel Ally McBeal for a moment and have the music in my head and picture him singing, “You’re my first, my last, my everything . . .” My dog is such a pimp. If allowed he would totally hang out at strip clubs. Poor Darla would only end up broken hearted.

This cannot continue. My nerves cannot take it. I know I used to think it was adorable, they way that they cannot stand to be apart, the way they hold paws, the way he still shows off for her. But seriously, this has gone far enough.

Buster has a crush on the weimaraner , Zeda, across the street. Maybe if he gets Buster with some weimaraner porn Darla will get jealous and this can all stop.

Maybe I am the mentally ill one, hoping that my dachshund will get jealous of the neighbor dog. But I have seen it before. And nobody messes with Darla; she is the baddest dachshund on the West Coast. And if you don’t believe me just ask her.

8:17 a.m. :: comment ::
prev :: next