Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

Garlic and Candy Flutes

2003-08-14
Strange day today. A picture of me appeared in our company online newsletter. My hair is curlier and brassier than I would like. I look really jowly and ruddy. I am smiling in a way that suggests that I have gas. Its like I morphed into Roseanne Barr right before that photo was taken and then morphed back. Seeing that in my email inbox this morning was not a good way to start the day.

A girl here is wearing a red and white striped dress today. Its strapless and asymmetrical and I have seen several celebrities wearing it on worst-dresses lists. It’s cute on her in while totally inappropriate for work. But what really makes me laugh is that when I was in sixth grade we did a version of the Nutcracker. And she totally looks like one of the candy flutes. In fact I have an almost irresistible urge to find my striped cardboard tube and chase her singing, “We are candy flutes as you can seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

I am sure that wouldn’t get me fired too quickly.

It would take at least three minutes.

A little afraid to go to the baseball game with my mom and dad and MLH tonight. Not only are Daddy and I not at our best but also this is Safeco field. Home of garlic fries. My dad HATES it when people get garlic fries near him. To be fair, the smell does travel farther than any other smell known to man. And it sticks in the air too. If Safeco is ever destroyed in a nuclear blast, the descendants of those who survive in a bomb shelter are going to smell the air around it millions of years from now and wonder, “why do I smell garlic?”

My sister ruined garlic for my dad when we were in high school. It was her night to make dinner and she decided to make garlic chicken. Fabulous. We love garlic. It’s dinnertime and the house smells amazing. We are all excited to eat this delicious meal. My dad takes a bite, chews it and literally vomits on the table. Just a little but enough that none of the rest of us wanted to eat it. Turns out sis had confused her cooking terms. When the recipe called for four cloves of garlic, she used four heads of garlic. With a sprinkling of garlic salt. In short, this chicken would have killed off half the cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Vomiting on your kitchen table is probably a good reason to dislike a spice. Even if it was twelve years ago.

11:17 a.m. :: comment ::
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