Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

Public Service Announcement

2003-08-18
I have the answer to a question that women have been trying to understand all of our lives. This answer will make the world a better place and possibly provide us with enough free time to cure athleteís foot in twenty-four hours instead of forty-eight.

I am talking about: why do men always wait right outside the ladiesí bathroom in a bar?

I am not talking about the men you might have come with, I am talking about the ones that donít have a date and arenít likely to find one either.

I have the answer. This question has bothered me for quite some time. Because generally I like to go to the bathroom without tripping over some freak who is trying to peak into the womenís john. But now I know.

They think we are making out in there.

I always thought this was a joke. I didnít think that men were so stupid to think that women go to the bathroom in pairs in order to have sex and grope each other.

But they do!

You know why they think that? Because this woman that my husband is friends with, Faux-Lo (since she thinks she looks like Jennifer Lopez but fails miserably) has actually done it. And tells basically every man she has ever met about it.

Now I do not judge her for having sex with some strange woman in a bar bathroom. She is an adult and that is her business. But man, did she have to make it hard on the rest of us?

Even MLH, who is generally an intelligent man, thinks that girls really do this. He says, ďmaybe you just have never seen it, but it happens all the time.Ē

UH. I have NEVER seen this. I have seen women having sex with men in bars. I have seen people doing drugs in bars. Mainly I see women putting on their makeup and making bets on how big the man they are withís penis is in bar bathrooms. I have NEVER seen Susie and Janie walk into the bathroom together and decide they are just so drunk and bored and horny that they just have to go at it right now! NEVER. I have been in bar bathrooms in thirteen states and Canada and I have NEVER seen this.

Seriously, if you are going to make out with a girl in a bar, do it right at the bar. The men around you will buy you free drinks all night long in hopes that you will do it again.

Thatís how I made beer money in college.

(Donít judge me. I went to a womenís college. Itís practically a requirement that you do that for beer money.)

I think Faux-Lo tells this story to men to flirt with them. I donít know if they find her more intriguing afterwards or not but the way I figure it about two girls do this every ten years and tell everyone they know. And it becomes like an urban legend and men have to stand at bathroom doors trying to peak in.

Fellas, let me tell you something. Read very carefully. Women go to the bathroom to pee, to do their hair, to gossip about you, to plan how they are going to ditch you, to get their story straight on what they have been doing before they go home and to apply lipstick. We do not go to have sex, grope each other or strip naked and have a pillow fight.

This has been a public service announcement.

7:45 a.m. :: comment ::
prev :: next