Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

Mr. Anyabeth

J got naked the first time he and I met. He loves to tell people this. People who do not need this information. People like grandmothers, potential bosses and strangers in grocery stores. He is really inappropriate about the whole thing but he enjoys it so much I can't bring myself to stop him.

I was doing homework for massage school at the time. He was my first massage on some one who wasn't a classmate or my mother.

I do remember him talking my ear off afterwards. Really inappropriate stories about drugs and booze and almost getting arrested. Stories that cast him in the worst possible light but were hilarious. I am a girl, I assumed that meant that he was either a psycho or thought I was his new buddy. Because honestly, who tells a girl that you are trying to fuck about getting slapped in a bar in Japan? And how the girl was totally right to do it?

Now I know he was just nervous and trying to tell his best stories. It never occured to him that I would think he was a drunken drug-addicted moron with poor judgement.

He did make me laugh though so I gave him my number. And then called him. We just sort of fell into dating without my even thinking about it. Ok, I admit that I checked out his ass and it was a deciding factor. Like you've never done it.

Of course at the time I was dating five other men. I know. Ok MOM. But I wasn't sleeping with all of them. I was just using them as sort of a composite of the man I wanted to date but didn't really have time for. Ironically, five people you date are way less time consuming than a boyfriend.

But together they were just about perfect:

Carter: He was a vet. Which at the time was what I considered the perfect occupation for man. He was also very romantic and sweet. Unfortunately, he thought that I was an angel. I don't know where he got this idea exactly but I really hated to break the truth to him. So I didn't. When I broke it off with him I was very tempted to tell him that I was joing the Peace Corps. But you can't do that, because that gives fate free hand to fuck you over and let him see you making out with some one else at Burger King. He actually cried when I broke up with him, because I am a bitch this actually made it easier.

Brian: Brian was the polor opposite of Carter. He was funny, sarcastic and one of the most entertaining people. Unfortunately, he was also a giant prick--which is why he never got to put his in me.

Tony--Possibly the best looking guy I have ever dated. Rich. Amazing body. Did I mention hot? This one I slept with, for obvious reasons. Until his wife called my apartment. He had neglected to mention her.

Greg--An artist. I am a sucker for artists. Can't resist them at all. Introduce me to a man who paints or draws and I can have my clothes off in 2.3 seconds. He apparently got this reaction a lot because he was not suprised by it at all. I mainly remember him because he was incredibly skinny and had this HUGE penis. So that when you look at him it seriously was the only thing you could see. He looked like a thirteen year old boy who had glued a summer sausage to his crotch.

Last we have Marc: We went out for coffee. A lot. And smoked. A lot. Those were our main activities. I missed him the most because J didn't smoke and because when all you do with some one is drink coffee and smoke cigarettes you get to know them awfully well. I remember he had a baby sister who was dating a Hell's Angel. His whole family was frantic and had this elaborate plot to break them up. By breaking up with him I totally missed out on the end of the story.

Not that impressive a collection I will admit. But they served their purpose. But when I met J I decided he was worth investing a little time in.

And I never mention Greg's HUGE penis. For some reason I think he doesn't want to know.

5:51 p.m. :: comment ::
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