Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

Unibrow and Suitcases

So Monica tells me that not everyone enjoys hotel sex. Something about rough sheets and air conditioning. While this just blows MY MIND, can we all agree that it is a lot hotter than Grandmaís house sex?

My husband called me at two oíclock to ask me where his suitcase is. Even though I told him last night. He is just now packing, even though he is supposed to leave our house at three. With everything packed, the house nice, the dogsí stuff packed, etc.

And how did he do anything before we were married?

Yesterday he called me for our Doctorís phone number. Called me at work. Even though itís written down at the house, itís on every prescription bottle in the house and he has access to a phone book.

I mocked this and found out that I am married to ďsome one who can function on their own.Ē The rest of the women of the world. Married to big fat babies.

My husband does cook and clean. Now he cooks better than he cleans and it would NEVER occur to him to dust. However, he does it. And other than the whole cleaning the toilet with Windex he does ok.

One woman told me her husband wanted her to come home early today because the cable guy was coming to the house. He isnít grown up enough to answer the door?

J had to call me to ask what size shirt he wears. I find this hilarious because he asked me. And also because he just didnít look in one of them that fit. I am not sure if this is because he doesnít know or if he knows he is supposed to run most clothing things through he first.

Oh and he isnít allowed to do laundry alone because he always shrinks something or turns it pink or washes an ink pen in hot water.

My own father cannot do laundry. He is fifty-six years old. When my mom leaves town I have to call and check on him every day. I donít know if I am checking to see if he drinks bleach or what. He also knows how to cook but will only eat Dinty Moore stew and Spaghetti Oís until she gets back.

My bossís husband calls her a dozen times a day. For things like where is my blue sweater? And how old is our youngest child?

Does something happen to men when they get married that makes them incapable of taking care of themselves? Does something about the words ďI doĒ change the brain patterns in men from self-sufficient and wonderful to dippy and ridiculous?

Maybe I just hold him to a higher standard than while we were dating. I mean when I first met him I thought he was hot enough that he didnít need to pluck his eyebrows. Now I scream like a harpy at the first sign of unibrow.

Oh crap. Gotta call him and make sure he picked a tie that matched his shirt.

3:12 p.m. :: comment ::
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