Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

Raised By Wolverines

Ever notice how some people were obviously, to quote my grandmother, "not brought up right?"

Rude fuckers exist in the world.

Monica and I talk about this all the time at work. We say this when people comment on our lunches with an "EW GROSS" (something that would have gotten me smacked until my nose fall off when I was a child). We say this when people invited themselves along. Or when they get in our face and agressive. Or when they make comments about our personal lives that they know nothing about. "These people were obviously raised by wolverines," we say, and wonder how we got the only two normal mothers in the world.

But today. I saw some shit that just was not right.

Power shopping. At our hoity-toity downtown mall. In the front of Restoration Hardware is a beautiful leather couch. It is a leather couch for looking at. I am not sure I would sit in it. I make an effort not to despoil anything that costs more than my car and this couch comes too close for my comfort. Walk into that store today and there are these two women sitting there. Eating their fucking lunch. Oh? Did you think this was a goddamn cafeteria? Oh no. See this is a store. You buy things. You look at the merchandise. You don't sit down and eat your fucking lunch. And then one of them? She wiped her greasy hand on the couch. On this three thousand dollar leather couch. Jesus Fucking Christ. An employee finally came over and asked them to leave--he did it so nicely that this man should seriously give lessons in tact. And one of the women told him that he shouldn't be so rude, that they were customers and they were "always right." Actually you are rude-assed motherfucking squatters and you have no rights. Seriously. And these were older women. Not even kids. Just rude people ruining expensive merchandise. Maybe they let you pull that shit at K-Mart honey. But not at Restoration Hardware.

Saw the funniest little girl ever in the bathroom there too. She was like six or seven--at this really chatty age. And she didn't have to go to the bathroom but her mom did so she was just trying to stand out of the way. And she walks over to the feminine products dispenser and starts pushing buttons. She asks her mom, "What IS this?" You could tell she was just so confused.

Her mom says, "well it gives you feminine napkins."

"Napkins? Are you supposed to wipe your face."

"No. They are pads."

"Pads. Like Suzie uses for her zits? Do I need one? Are we supposed to get one."

You can tell this little gal is just sure she has been using the bathroom all wrong her entire life. And her mother is bright red and ready to just die.

"No. You don't need one. They are for big girls."

"But I AM a big girl. Do I need one Mom. I don't want to look stupid."

"No. You don't need one. Fix your hair."

Christ lady, just tell her what the stupid things are for. Meanwhile, we are laughing at her. So adorable. So confused. So going to get one of those and stick it to her forehead.

Shopping was exhausting. My feet and legs are killing me. Not sure why. My mother was annoying me. I feel guilty about that because she really is great. But she just does some things that make me want to poke out my eyeballs. Or better yet. Hers.

One is the whole parched thing. Which is when she talks about being thirsty for like an hour. But it's PARCHED. I AM JUST SO PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARCHED. I think I have covered this.

The next is when she obsesses about "needing something sweet." I JUST NEED SOMETHING sweet. Just a little something. Something sweet. You know just a cookie. Even my non-fat ones. Just as long as it's sweet. I wish I could type how she says sweet. It makes me want to cut off her tongue so she could never say sweet again.

I will buy you a damn cookie. Anything you want just SHUT UP.

And eat "something sweet."


That is what I am going to turn into? Fabulous. No wonder the suicide rate in the forties is so high.

9:25 p.m. :: comment ::
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