Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

FIL Sadness

Do you know how proud I am that I was the number four search return for the phrase "gassy woman" and that some one actually came to this site because of that?


All of my hard work and Crohn's disease and just general tasteless behavior has paid off. Hard work really is its own reward.

Am pissed at my father-in-law, Chris. He invited himself up for the weekend. Actually he invited himself up for Saturday, we decided that was ok, so he decided to stay until Sunday. I am not sure if he wants to visit or drive us to slitting his throat. It could be either thing.

This is not normal "I hate my in-laws" crap. I wish it was. I don't hate my father in law. I don't understand him. I think he is rude for doing this. But his intentions are good. He wants to see his son. The problem is, his son doesn't want to see him.

See my husband doesn't like his father. There are people, including possibly my mother, that feel that you have to like your parents no matter what. I don't think that this is true and I can make a real case for it in this case.

J's father and mother got married when they were sixteen years old. They had him when they were nineteen (after many many pregnancies and many many abortions which is subject for another time). They got married because they had been best friends their entire lives. J's mom, Kari, told me that she was never in love with him and just wanted to get out of her parents' house. J's father, Chris, cheated on Kari, hit her and went crazy (as in checked-into-an-asylum-because-he-believed-that-aliens-were-controlling-his-mind-through-the-TV-crazy) when J was seven years old. Both of his parents did a lot of drugs and were not very well prepared to take care of him. His mother got into a very ugly relationship (also for another time) and his dad got out of the asylum and eventually kicked drugs. J has been on his own since he was about fifteen or sixteen years old. His father didn't raise him and they have very little in common. For reasons that are his own, J sees his mother as a victim--both of his father and of her next boyfriend (who is J's brother's father). So he has forgiven her and he takes care of her the best he can.

His dad he forgave. But he doesn't feel anything for him. I didn't believe this at first but in the past couple of years I have seen how it can be true. He doesn't hate him, he doesn't love him and he doesn't really care that much for him. Mainly, what he feels is guilt. Guilt for not loving his dad. Guilt for not being able to relate to him at all. And worry that his dad will die soon (very likely given his health despite his age) and J will feel even more guilt. Chris is a nice man. I can tell he feels very guilty for how he treated his wife and son. J is his only child and I think he is amazed every time he sees him that he turned out so well.

But the two of them sit in my house and say nothing. I leave, the smoke coming out of Chris' pores gives me migraines and I am too uncomfortable in the silence. They watch TV and make frozen pizzas. And then Chris gets in the car and drives home. It puts J in a terrible mood for days before and after. It makes me spend a lot of time deodorizing the house. And I think it makes Chris very sad. Like he has failed at everything.

That is the hard thing. There is no way to erase that, no matter how they try. J really isn't angry at his dad. But they have no common ground, nothing to share or feel about each other. Maybe it would be different if Chris hadn't taken all the drugs, if his mind was still working the way it is supposed to. But he did and it really doesn't. He can't follow a conversation. He can't really enjoy a movie or a book. It is really hard for everyone.

As important as family is to me. I think sometimes there is nothing you can do. Sometimes it really is too late.

6:53 a.m. :: comment ::
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