Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

30 Not So Important Things

I am a very self-aware person (read: self-absorbed). I know things about myself. Not important things. Here are some examples.

1. I am very proud that I have never had a one night stand. Except that I deeply suspect that this is because I am too dumb to cut my losses after one shot with a man. Have to have two to KNOW that yes, he really is crap in bed.

2. If I put my hair up in a towel after my shower it will create two frizzy little horns on the front of my head. I must NEVER let it dry this way.

3. The second that I realize that I have had a pair of sunglasses for more than three months I will lose them or run over them with my car.

4. I will over-analyze and obsess over every little thing to the point where I think it is possible that my husband stopped listening to me two years ago.

5. I cannot watch sitcoms without changing the channel (or alternatively talking loud or plugging my ears) because I am embarrassed for the characters.

6. I have bad teeth.

7. I think hairy toes are really hot on a man. J thinks I make this shut up. He doesn't get that I could save myself a lot of shame by saying that.

8. I have moles on my thighs that are exactly matching. This serves no purpose that I have found. But when I was in fifth grade I believed that they were somehow connected to a super-power that I would someday unlock.

9. I think that Coca-Cola is one of America's greatest contributions to the world. It is up there with electricity and Gone With the Wind.

10. I was named for a Beatles song. I like to tell people that I was named for a Queen. It makes my parents sound less freakish.

11. So was my sister.

12. I have a re-occuring dream that I am in college and have somehow never gone to a class but need to take the final. This could possibly be because I did this once. I did get a B in the class but I am still waiting for that TA to catch on.

13. I can eat frozen waffles for any meal of the day. Also ice cream.

14. Sometimes I "accidentally" wake J up so he can rub my head to help me go back to sleep.

15. I am selfish. If you haven't figured that out.

16. I once dated a boy in high school with the same name as my husband. When I first met J it took me a long time to be SURE that they were not the same person. I am thinking that I do not pay close enough attention to people.

17. I haven't talked to anyone I went to high school with in years. I don't like almost any of them.

18. I got married at twenty-two. This makes me feel like I should wear an apron and pearls and call my husband Dear.

19. I hated the color pink when I was a child. Now, when I wear pink my mother says, "but you hate pink," because my tastes haven't changed since 1982. I also hear her voice saying that whenever I buy anything pink.

20. I still have my security blanket.

21. His name is Ducky. Shut up.

22. I am always afraid people are going to notice that I do not know what I am doing. Then I am afraid that they will never notice.

23. I had my first orgasm while listening to Alice Cooper's Poison and can still get kind of hot whenever I hear that song.

24. My hands are both always cold but are rarely the same temprature as each other.

25. When I was a little girl I had a doll named Lover. I wonder how much shit my parents took when I lugged that thing to church.

26. I still hide things from my parents. Not because I have to or want to but because I want to keep in practice.

27. I can either spend a lot of money or a little money. But not a happy medium. And I feel guilty no matter what.

28. I can do percentages in my head easily because my mother made me do them over and over when we went shopping. Now I am annoyed when people can't even do them with paper and need a calculator.

29. I cannot wear socks to bed. Even if it is incredibly cold. It is like my brain cannot relax if my feet are covered.

30. I am really afraid of hippos.

7:14 p.m. :: comment ::
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