Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

The Former Mrs. G

An old co-worker of mine used to be married to Kenny G. That's right, Kenny G of soft jazz with the long-winded soprano sax. The Kenny G with the big long curly hair.

That Kenny G.

She hates him, this former Mrs. G. And she doesn't like to talk about it. I do not know when they were married or why they divorced (though I am fairly certain that the HATE she feels for him had something to do with it) and its not something I felt I could ask. As in, "Former Mrs. G, I know that you hate the Kenny with all of your being but I am just dying to know why you got divorced? Was there some one else? Did he love his sax in a very wrong way?"

You can't ask these things when you are supposed to be working on your financials for the first quarter.

But I know that she hates him. And hates for people to find out that they were married.

And she is a scary lady so I have never ever let on that I know.

J pointed out last night that Kenny G is one of the very worst ex-husbands to have if you still hate him. Every time you get into an elevator you have strong chance of hearing him play.

Those are some shitty odds.

We tried to think of people who would be worse ex-spouses. Whose reminders would be everywhere once the divorce was final.

The guy who plays Ronald McDonald. He is on TV all the time. And on pictures in front of every McDonalds. Also, he dresses like a clown and you would have been married to that shit.

J-Lo. Not only would you have been part of a long undignified line but you know she would have started fucking your replacement before you even filed.

Jessica Simpson. You cannot watch TV for five minutes and not see her pointed little face on an ad for something.

Howard Schultz. I mean there is a fucking Starbucks on every corner. Every ten feet here in Seattle.

Donald Trump. I mean the guy is a billionaire. Has a hit TV show. And is engaged to ANOTHER model. And he is on Oprah. And Letterman. And endorsing every single product EVER. At least he still has the comb-over.

Bill Gates. Can you imagine basically feeling like you were paying your ex-husband a royalty every time you turned on your computer? Of course you might feel a tad bit better if you got half of everything.

There is a flip-side. People that you could have been married to that have now sunk so low that it is a pleasure to see them.

Rafael Palmero--he was supposed to be a future Hall of Famer, now he does Viagra ads. This would be great for the ex-wife. Unless of course you got divorced over his impotence, in which case you would probably curse, "Now he gets that fucking pill!"

Any member of a hair band. Don't they all look sad on their "Where are They Now?" specials? And none of them have any money to speak of left. Fabulous.

Michael Bolton. Sure he cut off the mullet. But he has giant ears. That explains so many of his past hair decisions. And now they are giving him a talk show. Where he will undoubtedly sing and humiliate himself daily.

But Former Mrs. G taught me something very important. When you get married, consider whether your husband's career is going to torture you should you get a divorce. Or if you can use it to break his balls repeatedly.

I bet they don't talk about that in premarital counseling.

8:37 a.m. :: comment ::
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