I Will Call the Rabbi When My Ox is Fixed

I always try to be really kind to homeless people. Not so much with buying them food or giving them money (though I do that) but I am respectful. I say hello. I call them sir. It is the right way to be I think. Also, safer, because if I am killed in the street (not by a homeless person) the homeless guy on the corner is totally going to remember the nice blond lady that called him sir.

So I was at the drugstore at lunch and there was thing homeless black man in there. He was obviously gay and the funniest man I have talked to in years. He looked like an aging Leroy from Fame**. He told me that he loved my outfit and how I had mixed trendy and conservative elements to make my own style. And he told me I had beautiful skin. Were he not gay and homeless he might be my new husband. So we talked a bit, made fun of other customers (like the lady with drawn in eyebrows that didn't match her wig) and tried to find him the best bang for his (literal) buck. Then I figured out that King Sized candy bars were on sale for $.75 so I bought him too. Which according to him are like gold on the street since everyone wants to give homeless people healthy food.

I really wanted to bring him back to my office. Buy him coffees all day so he would sit in my cube and talk trash about the people walking by. But I knew that I couldn't get away with that too long. Our effeminate gay black men have much better shoes.

* * * * * * * * *

Last night's Amazing Race was the best thing I have ever seen on television. Crazy Colin losing his shit over an ox made me cry with real tears. To the point where "MY OX IS BROKEN!" is my new favorite catch phrase. Perfect for all occasions.

My catch phrase addiction is getting out of control though. J and I had this actual conversation on the way home (at top volume to the horror of others):

J: Why do you hate America?

AB: Because MY OX IS BROKEN!

J: Well did you call the rabbi?

AB: Don't pressure me, I feel wheepy.

The two of us were laughing hysterically over this. This is why we got married to each other. We had no shot with anyone else.

**I know it wasn't Leroy because I saw the Where Are They Now special on VH-1 that shows Leroy doing strip shows and turning tricks in Europe. Also? How was he supposed to be a straight character in that movie?