J-Dad, Quit Calling
Hard to know how to feel honestly.
The husband came home from work a mess yesterday. Long commute. And an annoying thing at work. And his dad had called approximately 84,000 times this week.
My father in law scares me.
It is probably unfair that he scares me. I mean he has never hurt me. But he just does. There is something in his eyes that freaks me out. Actually it is something that is not there. He doesn't look like he is all there. Like a fucking zombie or something.
He wants to come visit. And forgive me, but I cannot face it. I still feel, shall we say FRAGILE, and I cannot face this man in my house. He makes me afraid and uncomfortable. All of which I could get over if not for one thing.
My husband doesn't love him.
I cannot imagine that. I cannot imagine not loving one of my parents. I mean J has his reasons. Goddamn he has about 9 million really really good reasons not to love this man. His capacity for forgiveness, that he even lets him call our house, amazes me every day. Because I would have told this man to go to hell. And never looked back.
J is amazing that way. But it creates a problem. I believe that it is his dad and his decision. I will deal with whatever he wants. He wants him to visit? OK. He wants him to go away? Also OK. The problem is J wants him to go away, but of his own accord.
This will never happen.
J-Dad has a lot of guilt about J's childhood. HE SHOULD. And he does. He wants J to forgive him (which actually he has, it just killed any sonly feeling he had for him). I think he has something to tell him.
But he needs to stop calling. He calls every day. Yesterday he called five times (I didn't answer, I am sorry but I was sick). He has nothing to say. And his calls put J into a RAGE.
I am at a loss at what to do. Part of me says you only get one dad and you have to do what you can to keep that connection open. Another part of me is imagining how bad it will be when there is a child involved. How I will not want this man to be near my children but we won't really have much of a choice.
Let me be straight here, I don't think he would hurt them. If that were the case this would not be a discussion at all.
The thing is J doesn't feel much except guilt. He doesn't want to be the reason his dad commits suicide. I can understand that. He doesn't want to be cruel.
How tormented he feels about all of this shows you what a good person he is. I cannot say how much I admire him. My father and I went through a very troubled couple of years. And I forgave him. But let me tell you my father was never cruel like this. Never physically harmed me. Never did anything intentionally. That makes forgiving easy. It makes it natural. Forgiving some one who deliberately stole your childhood is hard. So hard I don't know how he has done it.
But it has taken its toll. J feels like he has done enough. And I do too. But what to do next is the problem.
One that doesn't seem to have a solution.
