Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

Ugly Shit People Wear

Because I am a Miss Pickypants and feel the need to impose my fashion fascism on the entire world here are my tips for men. These are clothing items to be avoided unless you do not want chicks to think you are hot. Otherwise known as:

What not to wear unless you like looking like a tool:

Pleated Pants: Now there are men of a certain age in my office that pull these off fairly well. They are very fit, older and have well proportioned bodies. These are the only men in the world that can wear these pants. And they still look like tools occasionally. I also want to point out that they are married. So they have a chick who is legally obligated to sleep with them. Wear flat fronts. That way you can let your stomach get a little pudgy. I mean, we all know you are not giving up your beer.

Polo shirts: I do not know what dipshit decided that this is the new sporty look for men but please. STOP. This is only ok if you are wearing it for work and honestly cannot come up with something better. If you wear one of these to a bar you deserve to get your head held under a stream of urine in the bathroom. Also, these can be hard to look decent in. They make you look neckless. If they are too big you look pudgy. Too fitted they make you look like a woman. Certain floppy knits cannot be pulled off no matter what. Learn to wear a ribbed t-shirt or just wear a damn dress shirt. Thank you.

Black jeans: I know that designers are showing black jeans. I also know that those are really for gay men. Not because they make you gay but because gay men are sophisticated enough to know how to wear them. They do not go to Walmart and buy black Wranglers and use them as dressy jeans. Also, they never wear them with brown shoes.

Taper Legged Pants: These make you look like a fatty. Also stupid. Also, wear pants that fit, not too tight, not to baggy. You are an adult. At least attempt to look like one.

Earrings: There are certain exceptions to this. Rock stars. Bartenders. A normal man can pull this off if he gets the exact proportion of the earring perfect. But this is very hard. Most men are not detailed oriented enough to do this. Otherwise they would not listen to me. Too large an earring you look like a pirate or a transvestite. Too small you look like its a mistake. Just do not try.

White socks with black shoes: Just don't. This is basic.

Wife beater tank tops: I know that Justin TImberlake and other celebrity men are wearing them. But you have to have a perfect body and tan to pull this look off. Otherwise tight white ribbed cotton just highlights your spare tire gut and pasty skin. Also, if you are wearing one of these you better do some serious hair trimming. If a woman sees your armpit hair glistening she is not going to want to see anything else. But don't shave it. That is even creepier.

Trucker hats: They look stupid. Can't you see that?

Gray or White shoes: Unless you are Tony Soprano you are going to look like my grandpa. Just saying.

I see this crap every day people. And it makes perfectly handsome and attractive men basically unfuckable. I have spent years rehabbing J from the lesser of these offenses but most women would not be willing to put in the time. And if you are looking for a one night stand you will not want to spend all your time shopping for new shoes.

10:05 a.m. :: comment ::
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