Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

Peanut Butter Adventure

Because I was trying to be super cool and also because I am a big copy cat I made the lovely Amalah's fake peanut butter cup recipe for my office party tonight. My experience was a little different than hers.

Oversleep because you were up all night throwing up, coughing and threatening to kill the dog. Take shower. Realize when trying to try your hair that you didn't rinse out your conditioner. Feel like a dumbass. Get used to that feeling--it will be with you all day.

Run around like crazy person trying to find everything you need in eighty-four thousand places in town. Curse Costco and their (fucking) lines. Curse traffic. Curse Target because they do not have milk chocolate chips and you have to go to yet another store.

Get home. Become pissed that husband did not clean kitchen even though you expressly told him not to because he is sick and should be napping.

Melt chocolate. After you spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to make your microwave work on 50% power. Because you bought the microwave for ten dollars from this scary drug dealer that your ex-boyfriend was friends with and it is from like 1982 and does not have a manual.

Cave and get J to come help you microwave. Also the mixer. Realize that you are setting back the women's movement with every electronic device that you are too stupid to use.

Put wafer thin layer of chocolate in muffin cups. You didn't cut the cups for cosmetic purposes because the sample two you tried looked like ass. Since you do not have two 12 muffin pans but rather one 12 and one 6 you decide just to make 18 really big peanut butter cups.

Get frustrated because yours do not look pretty and you are in a RUSH. Make J help you. Manage to get chocolate all over the kitchen.

Let him go back to sleep. Let cups chill. Wrap gifts for party. Realize that the white elephant gift you just wrapped would look better if you had let the dog wrap it. Briefly consider taking the paper and letting her give it a shot. Finally decide to hide ugly wrapping with big bow. It only sort of works. Wrap gift for Secret Santa exchange. Curse the person you drew beacuse he only wanted a Costco gift card and you are not a member and spent about ten years in there today for this gift card. Decide the wrapping looks nice but God shouldn't it is just a gift card. Decorate with ribbon and an ornament from the tree that you no longer put up. Almost take it off for being too Marth Stewart, but hell she is in prison and will not mind.

Mix peanut butter, powdered sugar and salt in bowl. Somehow use every dish in kitchen. Spoon filling into now chilled cups. Even though you have enough mix for 24 cups and you are only making 18 somehow run out before all are full. Rob Peter to pay Paul. Lather rinse repeat until all cups are equally pathetic and messy. At least everyone will know they are homemade.

Put cups into fridge to chill. Go lay in bed and watch Dance 360 and wish that you could have a drink. Loudly bitch about social conventions that frown on ARRIVING at the office party already drunk.

Straighten hair, which looks like giant puffball since you rinsed the conditioner out but didn't dry your hair. Obsess for a moment about what to wear. Decide you don't care because you hate everyone anyway.

Take cups from fridge. Re-melt chocolate and cover the tops. Re-chill the cups.

Bitch at husband to take shower because he smells like sick. Consider letting dogs lick the peanut butter bowl but decide not to because they kept you up all night.

Get dressed. Put gold eyeliner on so that you look like you got some sleep. Tell your reflection how hot you are.

Check on cups. They look great. Resist eating them as they are for party. Have celebratory drink but pretend that you didn't. Decide you love everyone!

Write diary entry that proves that you are nowhere near as cool as Amalah. And also should not make anything ever again as you are not smart enough.

4:48 p.m. :: comment ::
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