Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

Attack of the Clones

So there is this guy in my building. Works down stairs. I somehow end up in the elevator with him a lot. And well . . .

He looks EXACTLY like my dad.

Only my dad in his high school and college pictures. I mean EXACTLY. He is the same height. With the abnormally short legs for such a tall man. He has a big Charlie Brown head. But his face isn't round yet--because my dad's wasn't either. He has a big sloped nose with a ball on the end. He has an ash blonde CREW CUT. He even has the teeny tiny feet that are my dad's signature.

He even wears these odd tie and shirt combinations that make him look like an accountant.

So whenever we are in the elevator together I stare at him. I try not to. I give myself pep talks. I lecture myself about stalking laws and how my company has very rigid rules about harassment. And of course this man has no idea that he is my father's long lost twin who somehow has not aged at all since 1969!! Maybe they were in some sort of elaborate science experiment gone awry. Maybe my dad was kidnapped by aliens and this is the clone they made!

If he is my dad's clone are we related? Do I then have two daddies? Am I totally going to get on Montel?

Anyway, I think about these scenarios and I get a little excited. I mean, wouldn't you be excited if you just figured out that your dad was cloned by aliens in the sixties and quite possibly there are many clones living on earth amongst us? WHAT IF MY DAD IS THE CLONE?!?!?! And in my excitement, which is while I am staring at this poor guy, I might be a little flushed.

So. I think he thinks that I am like sexually attracted to him. Either that or elevators. Which is just gross. I mean, he looks like my dad! That is incest. I mean not technically but it is, surely you can see that.

But how can I explain to this stranger that the reason I am staring at him is that he looks like my dad and its creepy and interesting and OH! WERE YOU ADOPTED MAYBE MY PARENTS LOST YOU IN A MALL! AND NEVER TOLD ANYONE! YOU ARE MY LONG LOST BROTHER!! Maybe we are twins! GOD PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOUR BIRTHDATE IS!!!!!

I feel like he would call the police.

But he really is an alien clone. I am almost sure of it.

7:09 a.m. :: comment ::
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