Apples

People who live in Seattle really don't have much to brag or be snobby about. Our weather is good, but LA kicks our ass on that one and besides we have this rep for rain. Our traffic is the worst in the nation (yes, we beat LA and Miami) but that really is not something braggable. We gave the world Kurt Cobain--but with that came Courtney Love so . . .its a wash really.

We are just a nice, clean large to mid-sized city sitting as far from the south as you can possibly get.

Which actually is something to brag about.

This is probably a good thing, this not-bragging thing, because GOD KNOWS we do not need anymore people from California moving here, STAY HOME CALIFORNIANS IT REALLY SUCKS HERE I PROMISE.

But, living in Washington, we do get to be snobs about apples.

I knows its not wine like France. Or pizza like New York. Or BBQ like Texas. But the apples here are divine and frankly, its all we got.

Growing up in the midwest I thought there were two kinds of apples, Red Delicious and Granny Smith. So basically people liked red or green apples. I personally fucking HATE Red Delicious apples. They are mushy and tasteless and crap.

But Granny Smiths are lovely. And this state won my heart when I started school here and they have apple machines. Vending machines full of Granny Smith apples.

I had to stop eating them in my teenage years because of evil braces. Every orthodontist in the world tells their patients that if they bite an apple they will rip off their brackets.

This is not true, by the way, because when I got really desperate to get those fuckers off I tried it. I ate a tree-worth of apples and those suckers were still glued to my teeth. I am sure orthodontists everywhere are getting bribed by dentists. If they can't eat apples maybe kids will eat more sugar and then get more cavaties and create more business.

Actually dentists are the ones that scare your parents into taking you to the orthodontist in the first place so it is probably a self-perpetuating cycle.

Sorry. Anyway, now as an adult I have embraced the endless variety of apples that are available.

You people in the parts of the countries that just have Red Delcious? SUCK IT.

My current favorite are Pink Ladies. Which have the crispness of my second favorite (Fuji) and a touch of the Granny Smith sour. I just about made out with the produce guy at my grocery store for having these.

I have been reduced to writing about apples. DAMN. I need a vacation. Or to start drinking again.

Sorry about that.