Stuck
But honestly, I am just jumbling my way through every phase. All at once. Last night I bawled for like twenty minutes over Keds. And then again when I realized that there was a team she would have really liked on the Amazing Race. She died in a world where Kendra had just one AR and that just breaks my heart.
I dreamt about her last night. When things happening I can hear her voice in my head. She had a way of getting to the point, she would say something that was cutting and true and it would just sit there on the desk in front of you. Until you had to deal with it.
She and I talked about our jobs a lot. About how we had outgrown them but were so comfortable. That we had positions created especially for us but that have weird titles that don't translate to anywhere else. That we could tell the company didn't know what to do with us. But our boss didn't know what to do without us.
She was stuck in her job. Stuck in the same place for a very long time. And I am very afraid of that. I worry too much about success and failure. And I struggle with defining that a lot. I never finished college. When I tell people that I want to blurt but I didn't flunk out! I went to vocational school! I am going to finish! REALLY!
I have this need to prove to people that I am smart. That I am capable. That I am successful.
I don't really know why I have that need. But I know that Gladys had a bit of that too. And that she stayed here because she was very afraid that she would not be successful anywhere else. And then the opportunities stopped and she got stuck.
I can hear her in my head right now saying to go for it. Move on. Don't do what I did.
But I really don't know how to get myself unstuck.
