Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

I Need Another Shot

I am writing this real-time in the Everett office of the Department of Social Security. Because our government would rather pay for farm subsidies than for wireless access in waiting rooms across the country I am trying this out in Word Pad (really need J to load up Microsoft Office here soon) and will transcribe it word for word for your reading pleasure.

I am feeling stupid for bringing my laptop in here. The crackheads are eyeing it like I am fresh meat. I scored on my way up though--a guy got tired of waiting and gave me his number. I am only six numbers back in line. There are like forty people in here. SCORE!

Almost everyone is here scary. Most are missing several teeth and look like they have not bathed recently. I am sitting in Mom Row. A bunch of stay at home moms, with BIG GIANT strollers and tiny infants, filling out forms to get social security numbers for their babies. Every other row is full of people who are either high or look like they might possibly be sick with the plague. I will just sit here thanks.

The couple behind me have made friends with another gal. They are playing that time-honored white trash getting-to-know-y'all game "I have done more drugs/been drunk while being arrested/have children with seventeen different daddies." It was highly spirited, all three of them were yelling about all the places they knew in town to buy crack. Apparently these people were not brought up to be afraid of the goverment. Especially since one of them was screaming that she had crack in her baby's diaper bag. I guess Homeland Security is only watching Democrats because they didn't bust in and arrest them.

There are portraits of the President and Vice President hanging on the wall. Bush has a nose like that muppet character Sam the Eagle. I know that people used that muppet to compare to John Kerry because of his big giant square head but the beak is all George W. Is it Sam the Eagle? Fuck, I wish I had wireless internet. I don't actually know any trivia anymore, I just know how to google.

God, they are still on number 72. I am 76.

The white trash people are yelling again. Making fun of a Japanese gentleman because he has a thick accent and English is obviously his second language. I would like a knife so I could cut out their tongues. I also feel a little weird that I can totally tell a Japanese accent from a Korean or Chinese one. Monica would be so proud. Of course it didn't hurt that when the gal asked him his place of birth he yelled "Tokyo!!!"

Thank GOD, they are up to 75. It is very stuffy in here. OOOH. They just called my name. White trash bitch yelled "HOW DID SHE GET 76?" They were here a long time before me.

That was so easy. I didn't need but on of the documents that I brought. Sign a form, show your license and out you go. Only took a couple of minutes. And four years.

After I left the SS office, I had to go buy a baby gift for our neighbors. She was due on Wednesday but still has not delivered. Pretty much everything on her registry has been bought so I had to pick something out.

This is how much I like this woman. I went to BABIES R US for her. BRU is the most terrifying store in the entire world. It is so overwhelming. There are what feel like thousands of babies shopping (I am sure it was like six but STILL). I just wanted to grab the first thing I saw and run. Who knew there were so many damn products for babies?

When I got home my day got even more messed up. This morning I heard rattling in our grates. I thought it was a rat and J told me I was crazy. That it was nothing.

But I could hear knocking up in the ceiling and what totally sounded like rat claws scratching. Also squeaking. For a rat-o-phobic I thought I was doing good not to throw up.

Called J. And while I am talking to him I see a CLAW coming out of the grate. I thought it was a rat claw and I SCREAMED. Poor J, he probably thought I was being stabbed. But it was a fucking bird.

Another fucking bird trapped in our ventilation system. This has happened before, but this bird was trapped much deeped than the last time.

J told me to take the grate down. And even though I was a big damn baby about it I tried. But I couldn't get it loose.

So I just took a shot of vodka straight out of the bottle. Now I am pretending that none of this is happening.

12:21 p.m. :: comment ::
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