Fuck the Ham, Mother
He said, "only if I saw it at a party."
This I understand. No one wants to be standing around with his buddies and see some half naked cheerleader cartwheel across the screen only to have somebody say, "DUUUUUUUUDE. Isn't that your wife?"
Its the same thing that makes me wonder about girls who pose for Playboy while their dads are alive. I mean, why make sure that your dad can never go to a poker game or on a fishing trip again? Because you know all his buddies are passing that pictoral around.
I am not sure why we were talking about porn at 6 am. Just were.
***
Am eating spicy queso dip for dinner.
Excellent.
What? I am sure it has calcium.
***
My mother called this weekend to invite us to "Spring Dinner." On Easter. She quickly assures me that we just won't have ham.
Of course Mom. Because for all of the ugly discrimination that is aimed towards Jews because of the events of Easter and the fact that it is a holiday for a religion that we do not practice, the reason we would not want to come is BECAUSE OF HAM.
No matter how many times I explain it to her my mother does not understand that we do not keep kosher. To her being Jewish means that you don't eat pork. Apparently the Torah is a giant pop-up book that is illustrations of why you should not eat pork.
Do I need to eat an entire ham by myself to prove to her that I do not give a shit about ham? Serve it with macaroni and cheese and we are good to go.
I just don't want to celebrate Easter.
But we will have Spring Dinner. Because it is not worth upsetting my mother over this.
The really stupid part? We really are not Christian. I had NO IDEA that Easter was that day. If she hadn't made such a big fucking deal about it I would never have known.
