Ratboy, Promiscuity and a Rainy Sunday
Its one of the Sunday mornings in Seattle that I love. Its raining and its just cool enough that I can pretend that the reason I don't want to get out of bed is that its cold and raining. Really its that I am lazy and pathetic.
The doggies even snuggled in with me. After MEAN DADDY made them go out in the rain (anyone who has ever met my diva Darla understands that she DOES NOT like to get her coat wet) they ran upstairs and piled in the bed with me. We took turns glaring at daddy for even getting us up. Silly husband. He should know that rainy Sundays are days that he waits on us hand and foot.
Because Darla already thinks that MLH is her bitch. He is around exclusively to take her outside and pet her when I am not around and get her cheeseburgers on demand. She thinks the ranking in the house goes 1. Mama (me) 2. Darladog (her) 3. Daddy 4. Busterdog 5. Uncle Travis
Uncle Travis would rank higher but he doesn't believe in giving them extra cookies. In Darla's eye he might as well be a serial killer.
Was really feeling neko-carre in her claim of not having a past. I saw this man I used to know (ok in the biblical sense) last week at lunch. Fortunately, the evil twin Monica was not with me because it was awkward with a capital A. I am not mature enough to see people that I have slept with. At least not in daylight. When they are wearing a suit and wingtips. I don't think I ever saw this guy wearing anything except jeans with holes and a t-shirt or naked and here he is looking all Brooks Brothers. Yick.
Then he was even creepier. Asking me if I would like to get together after work (code: wanna fuck me later?).
I couldn't exactly remember what had attracted me to him before. He kind of looks like a rat. Pointy face, squinty eyes. I didn't even bother to tell him I was married--because I knew he would just think that was the only reason I was turning him down. No Ratboy, I am turning you down because I am not drunk, and I think I was drunk every time I fucked you before because I cannot think of another reason I would have.
I am going to pretend that he was hot before. He has just gotten uglier in the past five years. Yea! That's it. Its a well known fact that men often develop pointy rat-like features after age twenty-five.
Man, its bad when I don't even buy my own brand of bullshit. The truth is when I was a little younger I had a little bit of an ugly man fetish.
Now let me get this straight, the husband is not ugly. The husband is FINE. And I feel free to write this here because he doesn't read this diary and I don't want him to get all conceited. The husband came after my ugly man fetish was over.
But for a couple of years I only dated the ugliest men I could find. Now these guys had good bodies, good grooming habits and good clothes. But they always looked like their fathers were rodents or reptiles.
After being jerked around by one cute boy too many I figured out that ugly men were more than grateful for any attention from a cute little blond and would treat me much better. Ugly men called when they said they would, ugly men always made sure you had orgasms, ugly men were nice to your cat even after she scratched them on the face again (she was a nasty little bitch). In short ugly men treated you a lot better and were a lot less trouble. And once you got used to being with them exclusively, they didn't seem so ugly.
This was all ruined by one gorgeous mistake. It was just too hard to go back to the ogre once you have had Prince Studly.
And Ratboy reminded me why I am glad. Because when the husband and I have kids, I can be assure that they will not look like Micky Mouse's ugly little cousins.
