Proposed Out of Office

Another gory day at work. Have decided that I am going to put my out-of-office on my email tomorrow (though I will be in the office hiding from people). The following are proposed messages:

Anyabeth is in the office but she hates all of you motherfuckers. She'll get back to you when she goddamn feels like it.

Anyabeth will be happy to assist you when she is done shopping on Sephora.com.

Anyabeth is tired of listening to you people whine and reading your whiney emails. Please recall the message you just sent.

Anyabeth is done dealing with morons until after Christmas. If you are reading this you have no hope until after the new year.

Anyabeth is out of the office today, you people forced her to hang herself in the women's bathroom this morning.

Anyabeth will be happy to help you when she is done emailing Monica complaining about you.

Anyabeth is actually in the office today, but is too busy dealing with mistakes of her stupid co-workers to help you. Please contact one of them to complain.

If you need help getting ready for the conversion Anyabeth is unable to help you today. You are the work equivalent of a person doing their term paper the night before. She isn't judging you, she used to be you. But then she grew up, got a job and became responsible. You should too. Starting now.

Anyone have a suggestion for one that won't get me fired?

Damn.

I guess I will be answering email. Damn that customer service policy.