Part Two
All I know is that the first part of our trip to California was fun and light. We slept in a closet. We bought cds in a big store that we were not really cool enough to shop in. We ate at In-and-Out and I called Monica to brag about my burger, animal style. We got lost in Japan town. I had the Big D in Macy�s.
We have covered this.
SF is only an hour or so from Modesto. It is about a million miles away in philosophy.
We did have fun in Modesto. We hid out in our hotel room. We bought a digital camera. J almost got in a fight in Target for wearing a shirt that some tight ass woman didn�t think was appropriate (our, �this is Modesto, that is what is inappropriate� response did not please her). We saw Billy and admired his pretty pretty garden. We expressed our sympathy that his brother had ruined his irrigation system when he planted his pot plants (licensed by the state of California). We had dinner with J�s childhood friend Drea. We discovered that we could afford a big house in that fancy-pants neighborhood J has always wanted to live in (pro: aren�t we fancy con: it�s Modesto). Also, the real estate companies suck. Which led us to deciding that if some one gave us four hundred thousand dollars we would open a better real estate company down there. Which is totally not true. We would pay our mortgage and cars and student loans and then just keep working.
That is all fun.
Also, if you want to have lots of sex with your wife. Take her to a hotel. One in a town where she doesn�t know anyone. And can�t think about work. And doesn�t have email. And doesn�t want to see your family. Or leave the room ever. Then you will have lots of sex. Most of it dirty.
Not that I would know this. Or J discovered this.
Not at all.
But the graduation was not fun. Not a bit. First of all it was very far away. Far away in the direction of mountains. And scary men who don�t wash. And people who drive faster than the speed limit and don�t stop at stop signs because stop signs are from the government and the government shouldn�t have any power because they just want to elect Jews and abort babies.
Which means we did not fit in so much.
Which is good. I mean who would want to fit in there really? However, we did feel a wee bit insecure in our little Korean car with its ELECT JOHN KERRY bumper sticker. Maybe they can�t read?
It did seem likely.
And the place where JBro lives. SCARY. I mean the house was normal enough. A little dirty. A little secluded. But I mean they live in the woods with many many children. So ok. But the kids were all very nice and so polite and not at all like serial killers. Very impressive. But JBro (not being a member of this family I guess they just took him in after he moved out of his dad�s?) lives in the dog kennel. This kennel is like a glorified fort made of plywood. The bottom floor is for the dogs and the loft above is for JBro. No heat. No plumbing. No insulation. NOTHING.
No wonder the kid stinks. And has a scalp so dry you can see the flakes from space. And possibly has fleas.
Don�t worry. We stocked him up on toiletries. And sunblock. Because he had a third degree sunburn. Because sunblock is for wusses. So possibly that was a waste of money. Oh well.
The graduation was held in a public park. And attire was. Casual? I thought we were casual. For a graduation in Seattle I would wear a skirt or dress or nice pants. J would wear a tie and possible a jacket. For this I just wore a plain cotton skirt and nice shoes. J wore a collared shirt and khaki pants.
We were the only ones basically wearing clothes that you wouldn�t mow your yard in. Most people were wearing wife beaters and dirty jeans. Many were not wearing shirts at all. I guess their husbands didn�t mind. Even the graduates wore flip flops and sneakers. And most of them (except one of the girls) had their legs spread wide open through the whole ceremony.
Lovely.
And the guest speaker spent most of his speech talking about how global warming isn�t real and science cannot be trusted. Also that anyone who doesn�t trust the President is probably a terrorist.
Also lovely.
We fled that place as quickly as possible. Its not that we are snobs (though my MIL would probably tell you different) is that these people legitimately frightened me. All of the women had these blank looks on their faces. Everyone was drunk. Most people were drinking beer and smoking through the whole graduation. Our mullet count reached the double digits which is especially impressive in a town with maybe one hundred people.
I am so glad that JBro finished high school. So proud of him. And it was only our interest in him having a special day that kept of us from screaming, �By the way ya�ll we�re Jews!!!� and squealing our tires trying to get away while they all freaked the fuck out.
That didn�t seem like the polite thing to do.