Why I Am Not Cool and Have Never Been Cool and Will Never Be Cool
I got my period today. I wore white pants and carried no tampons so I knew I would. I was so happy because really, almost three weeks late is much much too long.
And since I had no tampons I had to go to the drugstore to buy some. It is hard to find tampons in Bartells drugs. They are in Family Planning. I love that. There is a certain symmetry to putting tampons in with the condoms. Like if you are a good girl and use these than you will need these.
I also love the term Feminine Protection. Because that is what we women need, protection from ourselves. Or are periods. Or weirdly, our underwear, since that is what the barrier is between. Or, even weirder, our underwear must be protected from us.
I am a tampon girl. And I am always stunned by grown women who use pads. I hate pads. I always hated pads. They smell. They feel oddly wet no matter how often you change them. If you have big thighs the blood gets on your thighs and that isn't pleasant no matter what. And if your pubic hair is too long it gets yanked out by the adhesive. It just seems like a terrible option.
Tampons are so much leaner and cleaner and better in every way.
Well except one.
Now this story will forever out me as not cool. Only about four people in world know this story so of course I will just tell the whole world here. But it is a cautionary tale for all women.
Also, ya'll obviously need proof that I am not cool, have never been cool and will never be cool. Because you keep coming here.
I was thirteen. And pretty much copied my sister in every way. My mom never talked to me about much of anything (for reasons I still don't know, did she think I knew everything? was she waiting for me to ask? not sure really) and certainly never went over pads vs. tampons. My sister used tampons and so to me that was the only choice. She used OB tampons (man I hope she isn't pissed about me revealing her brand of choice, though believe me that is the most embarrassing thing about HER in this story) and so I did too.
Now I didn't really understand tampons. Not really at all. I puzzled over the photo in the instructions. I followed their advice. I put my foot on the toilet. I balanced like a stork. And I crammed that fucker in.
I made the rookie mistake of not putting it in far enough. But I was proud. It was in. I was cool (this is before I accepted the whole not cool and will never be cool thing).
Except I didn't know a lot about tampons. A few important things. I tried to change it too soon for one thing. A couple of hours later. And it was dry. Now, this is too much information (and so is this whole entry) but I have pretty light periods so two hours was not enough. And it hurt.
So I tried again later. And it still hurt.
And later.
Still hurt.
Later still. HURT.
I panicked. I read the section on TSS entirely too many times. My forehead was sweating. I HAD A FEVER. I MUST HAVE TSS. I MIGHT DIE.
It had been twelve hours. I had to tell my sister.
I thought my sister was the coolest person in the whole world. I really thought I was dying. I HAD to tell her. And then I wanted to die after I told her.
But I did not die.
She tried to pull it out. I have to give her credit, she really didn't make fun of me. But this was awful. Not a fun process. She had me laid out like I was going to give birth to the fucking thing. She pulled as hard as she could.
NOTHING.
We told my mother. Because at this point we were both a little freaked out. My mother tried pulling. NOTHING. Seriously. And it HURT.
So she called a nurses hotline. They suggested many many things. Hot baths. Relaxation exercises. Nothing helped. They said to wait it out. It would come out the next day.
It did not.
We had to go to the ER. The ER you guys. Where car wreck victims go? Yeah, I went there to get a tampon removed. Because I am stupid.
A lovely doctor there had me up in the stirrups right away. He put the speculem in. . .
And left the room.
Only to return in ten minutes (with me just chilling in the ER with my legs spread thanks . . .
With about TEN MEDICAL STUDENTS.
The only thing worse than telling your too cool sister that you are too stupid to remove a tampon? Have a doctor remove it in front of ten really cute medical students, all male of course.
The doctor announces, "this is why we do not reccommend tampons for girls of this age. Their periods are too light and their vaginas too tight."
Did I imagine some of them looking at me with interest with that?
"Also this girl has an exceptionally small vagina."
Am I going to get google hits from that or what?
Did anyone else not know that you could get a tampon stuck in your ladybits?
Yeah me either. But you can. I was a little gun-shy with tampons for a while after that. And skipped OBs for a long time. Basically until I had sex and realized that even if the guys had a small penis it was at least as large as a tampon.
Barely.
Is there a moral to that story? Probably. Forgive me if I can't figure it out. I am too busy hanging my head in shame.
