Umbrellaphobia
Anyway, when we were walking out it was only sprinkling. So I didn't put up the umbrella. And I walked under awnings for a block and I still didn't put up the umbrella. And then I realized. I was walking in the rain--getting soaked--while HOLDING AN UMBRELLA.
Even the fact that I knew I looked just fucking ridiculous did not make me put it up though.
I have a little fear of umbrellas. Which google tells me is not a real fear but totally should be. And I should get some really happy drugs to treat it.
It goes back to long long ago in a state far far away called Iowa. Where we wore something called rain slickers (children in Seattle do not wear rain slickers, they don't even sell them here, kids here wear Gortex or they get wet. imagine my shame the first time my mom made me wear a slicker to school). When I was six years old my mother, a sucker for buying me anything cute, had purchased for me a very preppy and adorable purple and navy rain slicker. It had embroidered unicorns on it. And it had a matching umbrella. I always did love the accessories.
So it was the first rainy rainy day and I was so excited to wear my new slicker. I put up my umbrella and walked the fifty feet from my grandmother's car to the door of school (what? I had a new accessory, it must be used). But I got inside. And could not close it.
See, I have tee tiny hands. They are pretty much child-sized now, despite the rest of me growing to normal adult proportions. So you could imagine that baby hands I had as a six year old. And I don't think this umbrella was actually intended for children of that age.
I never had a problem getting it up (heh) but closing it proved to be my kryptonite. I would push and push on the release, which was thin and metal and eventually cut my thumb to shreds. But I could not get it to work.
This meant that every time I wanted to take the umbrella down I had to find an adult to help me. Which is not exactly what a girl wants to do when she is trying to look cool (ironic I know while wearing a unicorn rain slicker).
So I just didn't use an umbrella. And my confidence was shot. So even when I got grown up (sort of) hands with grown up strength I didn't use one. I would pretend that I was too cool to care about my hair (which was true at one time but really isn't so true now, notice I don't ever wear a hat).
Which leads me to last night. Walking in the dark. In the rain. CARRYING my umbrella. People are looking at me all crazy. Like what is wrong with that girl?
I consider it a great personal triumph that I did not turn and scream, "I AM FUCKING AFRAID OF THIS UMBRELLA, OK!?!?! IF I CAN'T CLOSE IT YOU PEOPLE WILL ALL THINK I AM CRAZY, OK?!??! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO JUDGE ME?!?!?!"
Do you think that would have helped?
