Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

Weddings and Balls

Horrifying experience on the bus this morning. I was sitting on the seats that are facing the center of the bus instead of forward. And there was a postal worker sitting across from me. Wearing shorts. Wearing shorts with apparently nothing underneath because one of his balls was creeping out the bottom. Actually, it was full on out all hairy and purple and staring at me. And I know it was wrong and rude to stare but I could not help it. And then he winked at me.

I must have looked really disgusted because the nice elderly gentleman next to me said, “Could you tuck that away, you are upsetting the young lady.”

God bless him.

Men of the world. Tuck your balls away. Especially if they are hairy and purple and you are riding a bus at 5 in the morning.

Lots of wedding talk in this office lately. With two engaged women it’s only natural. Of course everyone has advice for the brides-to-be. Of course most of their advice is about where to have the ceremony and what to serve at the reception. I told both of them not to do Cinnamon Schnapps shots before the pictures. It makes your face to red and blotchy. Once again, I seal my label as least romantic woman on the planet.

I had a beautiful wedding. I wanted to go to Vegas and elope but my mother wanted me to have a wedding. So that is what I had. Because weddings are about the mothers, they have nothing to do with brides. My mother chose my dress, the flowers, the colors, etc. I had veto power but I really didn’t care a lot about the details. It was lovely. At least I remember it being lovely. But I had the measles (we didn’t know yet) and a 102 fever so my memory might be a little suspect.

I do remember my now husband’s grandmother calling me fat. And the subsequent holding back of my best friend who was ready to beat the crap out of her. I love my husband, but his family is white trash. My family is at least a generation or two removed from white trash so we don’t usually have fistfights at our wedding. Weddings in his family usually include a brawl involving at least seven people. If they are lucky, the bride won’t be one of them. If TT had hit his grandmother my family would have been aghast and shocked—his would have nodded their heads in satisfaction.

Nobody hit her. She hasn’t been invited to my house though. Because she still hasn’t apologized. She says I misinterpreted what she said. I would feel bad for causing a family rift except I am the one that forced J to invite her in the first place. Now he just tells me that I should have listened to him.

I wasn’t raised by people who bury water in their backyard and have yard decorations made of tires and tin cans—I thought it was normal to invite your grandmother to your wedding.

6:53 a.m. :: comment ::
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