Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

Aunt Flo Please Come Home

The PMS Monster has me in her evil clutches. She has me snared and I honestly think she is just toying with me until she has time to drag me back to her lair. Where she will fuck me up.

The PMS Monster is a bitch that way.

There has to be some sort of ritual that I can do to escape her. I would gladly kill a goat or something on my front lawn. Yeah, I am sure that the home owner's association of my neighborhood would object. But once I explain to them that this is for the PMS Monster I am sure they would come around.

Or I would cut them to bits using a meat fork and pinking shears. Which could happen anyway if Aunt Flo doesn't land her damn plane soon.

I feel fairly confident they would back me up at that point. Those in one piece anyway. One of them might even offer up his virgin daughter for my sacrafixe. Ok. He would call her a virgin. The rest of us might call her something else.

Broken in?????????????????????

Not that there is a thing wrong with that. But parental denial still cracks my shit up.

Her dad, Doug, has no control in his house anyway. His wife, Christy, makes all the decisions. Maybe she consults him, maybe not, it seems to be a crap shoot.

An example. Doug got a loan to make improvements to their yard. He was going to do new landscaping, add a fence and gazebo, and install a spa. The day after the loan check arrives Christy snuggles up to him in bed. Naturally, Doug is stoked about this--he thinks he is about to get sexed up by his wife before the kids wake up. Then she says to him, "I hate our furniture."

Turns out Christy had already spent the loan money on all new furniture. Furniture that was replacing the stuff that they had bought right when they moved in (less than two years ago). Stuff that she choose, even though it was out of their price range because it would "last a lifetime."

Or as Doug put it, "Wanna buy a couch?"

Actually no. That shit was ugly.

But their seventeen year old daughter causes the most discord. She has a boyfriend. A boyfriend with family problems. Family problems that Christy thinks are bad enough that she lets him spend the night at their house to escape them.

Or as J and I call it "fuck the daughter because Mom and Dad have practically given you permission."

Christy says that they sleep in different bedrooms.

Doug silently agrees with us when we giggle, "Mom and Dad have to go to sleep sometime."

Poor Doug. He's whipped awfully hard for a guy who didn't even get laid for his trouble.

6:43 a.m. :: comment ::
prev :: next