Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

Marriage Rules

Yesterday was not a good day. Yesterday involved gastronomic difficulties and a sprained ankle and a dramatic fall in my office bathroom.

I am going to pretend that this week never happened. If my meeting does not go well today I am leaving early. If it goes really bad I may never return.

So I am not going to talk about it.


I was watching Dr. Phil last night and they had these crazy ready to divorce couples on. And I was thinking about how no one really knows anything when they get married.

Actually no one knows anything.

But I have been married three years and here is what I know.

1. Your life will be better and more peaceful if you do not have to share a bathroom.

2. Your spaghetti sauce will never be like his mother's and you will never ever learn to care.

3. No one knows shit about a marriage except the two people in it. So don't judge. Even if you cannot imagine why they stay married--whatever works for them.

4. Every couple is poor after they get married. This seems counter-intuitive, in many cases you are doubling your income. But one or more partners will think the other person is pissing away their money. If you aren't thinking it, rest assured your spouse is. If you buy a house right away you will be poor even longer. If you have a baby you will be poor forever.

5. Take your honeymoon right away. Or you never will (see number 4). Three years later I am excited about a weekend away, I have totally given up the dream of a real vacation.

6. Sooner or later you will become a cliche. Cliches happen for a reason.

7. Talk about everything before you get married. I am shocked by how many people find out after they are married that their spouse doesn't want kids (and they want seven) or their spouse doesn't believe in infidelity (while they have three boyfriends).

8. You were brought up different. Unless ya'll are from Kentucky you had different parents raising you. That means that your manners, ideas about money and politics and basically everything come from different places. This means that your spouse is guaranteed to do one thing that horrifies you. Possibly he will do it every damn day. He won't ever stop so figure out a way to deal with it. Even if that way is reminding yourself he was brought up by wolves under your breath every five minutes. It doesn't count if he doesn't hear you.

Other than that I do not know shit.

And it is still way more than any of those people on Dr. Phil last night.

7:30 a.m. :: comment ::
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