38 Steps to a Miserable But Pretty Smelling Dog
1. Decide to groom dog, check supplies. Yes, we have wine.
2. Go to Target to get clippers.
3. Walk around the store trying to avoid the pet supply aisle, wonder if Darla can use the phone well enough to call for a hitman.
4. Curse husband who swore that Target carries clippers, even though the neighborhood pet store doesn't.
5. Find clippers, lift curse.
6. Wonder if they make breath spray for dogs because she stinks.
7. Even better! Breath mints.
8. Decide that Target is your favorite place ever.
9. Wander around store mentally spending your cash bonus. You could buy furniture or bedding or pots and pans. Or you could buy all of the movies that Ashton Kutcher appears in in the dvd section.
10. Even though you hate Ashton Kutcher.
11. Pay for supplies, dread going home.
12. Get home, gather up supplies. Wine CHECK.
13. Cannot find dog's brush, decide to use husband's instead. What? He doesn't use it.
14. Lure dogs into the bathroom. Realize that pug is taunting dachshund. Imprison pug in game room.
15. Listen to pug cry, drink wine.
16. Put dachshund into sink, maybe the suggestion of water will intimidate her into submission.
17. This is not working. More wine.
18. Brush dachshund, gasp in shock at the amount of crud that is coming out of her fur. Tell her she is so pretty, good, etc. Say this every three seconds until the end of time.
19. Cut out mats.
20. Ignore the video that came with clippers. Accept that your dog will look like crap when you are done. Instead hope that she will not smell like crap.
21. Ignore instructions to bathe and then dry dog before clipping. She is afraid of the dryer and is willing to electrocute herself to stop the noise.
22. Clip hair. Realize that this takes fucking forever.
23. Huh. Maybe you aren't supposed to use the same clipper comb for the whole dog. Oh well.
24. You now have a layer of fur over every inch of your body. And the bathroom.
25. Bag it. Realize it is still a mess. Screw it, your husband can clean it up later.
26. Fill tub up about an inch with water. Force dog into the water.
27. Pour water over her head, do not laugh at her. You have been mean enough.
28. Shampoo dog. Do it again. Try not to notice that the water is grey.
29. Rinse.
30. Use cream rinse. Preferably the kind that has extra odor protection.
31. Rinse.
32. Let dog out of bathrub. Make her into a doggie burrito using a towel. Dry her the best that you can while she tries to run around the bathroom.
33. Let her out of the bathroom, feed her several pieces of cheese.
34. Release pug from prison. Give him cheese. Give him another piece to replace the one dachshund stole from him.
35. Bribe dogs with chew flips so that they will lay down.
36. Let dachshund rub herself on husband's pillow? What she had a hard day?
37. Celebrate with wine.
38. Once dry, notice that dog's fur doesn't really look that fabulous, but she smells fabulous. Also, missing all that fur she looks thin. SUCCESS!
