Tantrum Warehouse
Tact Free Since 2003

Moms, Fashion and Jesus

Why is it that when I get cut off on the freeway it is by some one with a "Jesus Saves" "What Would Jesus Do?" or "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter" bumpersticker?

Between that and my neighbors, who's large and bible banging family crowds the streets with their bumper-sticker cars and the people who call in talk-show radio wanting to bring the "values of Christ back into America" I am just done with Jesus.

I mean Jesus and I are cool, so don't send me an email defending your favorite diety. I just mean that I am done with the soundbite Jesus. With people using him as a political agenda or reason to call into Air America and blast liberals for their anti-American ways.

I am just done with Jesus.

Actual conversation with J:

AB: I am so fucking tired of Jesus.

J: So we can't join Jews for Jesus?


Empirical evidence is mounting that I am, in fact, becoming my mother. The latest is that I have taken to wearing rather large earrings.

Fortunately, mine are neither plastic nor shaped like Mickey Mouse so we aren't twins yet.

I have taken to trying to convince my mother to wear cuter things by telling her they are "in." I do this knowing that she bends trends to her will and only applies them in ways that make sense with her pre-set agenda. Ways that involve large and ugly hand bags. Ways that urge her to wear polka dots the size of hubcaps and have visible pantylines.

She always tells me, "I read that was the trend in the paper." She does this because of course the Seattle Times is a paragon of style and because she knows that I do not read the paper.

In turn I tell her everything I know comes from Women's Wear Daily. She doesn't know what that is. I can just pass it off as an INDUSTRY paper. It is awesome really. We will have entire conversations where I use emotional blackmail and imaginary WWD articles to talk her out of buying whatever straw hat with a neon Tweety Bird wrapped in toilet paper sitting on the brim nightmare that she wants.

Mom: Hats are BACK! I read it in the paper.

AB: Mom, tasteful black hats ala' Audrey Hepburn are back. I read it in Women's Wear Daily. Tweety Bird was two seasons ago. Sorry.

Mom: I am older. I can be a little behind. The Times says it is smart for older women not to be a slave to trends. This hat is classic and I am classic.

AB: I am afraid of birds, Mom. I couldn't come near you with that hat. And it makes the Baby Jesus cry.

Mom: I won't wear it around you honey.

AB: I think it is making my ovaries shrink back in fear. I probably cannot have grandchildren now.

Mom: Alright. I won't buy it. Your father makes you do this doesn't he?


My boss is in a long and drawn out neighborhood tragedy. I don't want to go into details but I think that the women in her neighborhood are taking pleasure in torturing her. Because she works.

Subdivisions are adult high school and there are three cliques.

Working Moms: The other moms hate them and judge them and bitch about how they only care about MONEY and not their children. Working Moms worry too much about what other people think usually and are much too busy for this bullshit but somehow play the game anyway.

Stay-at-Home Moms: Working moms feel guilty for not staying home so they hate the SH moms. SH moms rabidly defend that staying home is a job (which it totally is I am not denying that).

The women with out children: Seriously we are selfish. We eat junk food, stay up late and wear high heels. Everyone judges us because we are so fucking SELFISH.

Basically women hate each other and it needs to fucking stop. Stop judging other people's parenting (except me, but I never do this shit to people's faces so whatever). Stop jumping down their throats when something goes wrong.

Women are the most viscious people ever when it comes to other people. I do not understand it but we are.

Be supportive of a mom, any mom today!

6:35 p.m. :: comment ::
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